I spoke about accepting myself and my situation in my previous post but something I struggle with daily is accepting others’ choices. I feel ashamed to admit this but it is the truth and I want to be at peace with this part of me as it affects my happiness and my family’s happiness. My husband and I often have arguments about certain things. You see, he has a tendency towards unhealthy food (he is better now) and certain habits that frustrates me (e.g he stayed in front of the computer and complained that he needs to eat..). This is a trigger for me which mean I then react instead of respond. I make it bigger than what it actually is, I talk too much, giving him a lecture and get mad. I get mad at him for not doing what I think is best for him and understanding what I am trying to tell him etc…. Since I said I was going to catch myself reacting in my last post, I did just that. On Saturday, we had a similar argument and I already reacted to the situation. Then somewhere during the scenario, he was asking for a different version of peanut butter (one with chemicals, processed oil and sugar), I decided to take a deep breath and went upstairs to my bedroom because I knew it would have been worse if I stayed and argue (I have a hard time letting go). This is when I reflected on this moment and look at myself truly. I knew that I had to look inward for answers.
I first allowed my frustrations and other emotions to come out, I couldn’t quite cry at the start because my logical brain was attempting to reason with the whole thing (I am right he is wrong type of thing). I sat on the floor and put my head in my hands and I stayed (I usually have the urge to run away). Gradually tears came out and I could feel the feelings in my tummy, the heat, it felt like something was block inside me. Why I asked myself, why is he like this, why cant he see what I am trying to do (my brain still trying to reason, still looking for ways to be right). At this time, my husband opened the door and I said to him that I wanted to be alone. He didn’t go but he said, “I don’t know what I’ve done but I am sorry” I said its OK but I wasn’t really OK but then I went on by telling him what I wanted from him and he left. After that, I decided to tune in more with my body and mind, and I asked myself why I reacted this way? I actually closed my eyes and asked God to help me find the answers? I told him that I want to do the right thing but I don’t seem to know how. For the first time I noticed that my usual guilt feeling was absent, usually I would feel guilty and that would blind me from seeing the truth. Because when I feel guilty, I get more defensive and everything escalate.
The truth is I care about my husband and want him to do the right thing for his well being. But my reactions come from a place of fear, I fear that he becomes ill and that we have to go through such pain. My belief is that your diet and lifestyle affect your health and well being. So every time he does something that I think does not benefit his health and well being, I get this huge feeling of anxiety. After I asked God to help me find the answers, I looked at a book that was next to my bed, I usually have a few sitting there. I pick up the book ‘Meditations to Heal your life’ by Louise Hay in hope that I’ll find something in there that can make me feel better. I open it at a random page and read “My higher Self pilots my life” This is what it said,
“I am not here to please other people or to live my life their way. I am here to learn how to love myself and to love other people unconditionally…..When I don’t know myself I am prone to being what someone else wants me to be; therefore I am interested in learning to know myself. I know that I do not have to fit into anyone else’s emotional atmosphere. Nor do I have to manipulate others to fit them into my emotional atmosphere. When manipulative games are going o, it is important to connect with the little child within me and reassure it that I love it and that together we are going to go through this…”
Reading this brought a bit of peace and I send a message to my husband saying that I am sorry that I want him to do things differently and told him my real intention and my fears and hope that he could one day see what I am trying to make him understand but that if he doesn’t it shouldn’t matter anyway. I then sat down and thought about what I just read and my deep feelings. Something came up.
The first time I attempted to save someone, was my mum. My 4 1/2 year old brother and myself (7 years old) jumped in the my mum’s bedroom to punch my mum’s boyfriend who was then slapping her. My brother and I tried really hard but of course we were of no match. I have always feel the need to protect my family and ensure that everyone was safe (I clearly had all the reasons to be anxious). My mum said, I was always asking if everyone is OK. Fast forward when I was 18, I attempted again to save my mum from another boyfriend, this time I tried to communicate with my mum but expressing feelings wasn’t my strength, I didn’t know how to do this as I didn’t learn to do this (my mum showed us her love through hugs, making things for us, doing things for us but never expressed it verbally). My mum seemed to have been blinded by her own emotions then and chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship (one that I encouraged at the start by the way). I remember going through some sort of depression (crying all the time, not wanting to go out…) and was even contemplating to hurt myself but my high functioning brain didn’t allow me to do that. It seemed something too painful to deal with, I couldn’t bear seeing her in this situation knowing that it wasn’t right for her and I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t see that. This is something I need to come to term with and to completely let go of this past emotions I need to have a conversation with my mum about it (something very uncomfortable for me to do but it has to be done).
As I realised that my reaction comes from an old program (my subconscious mind), I can now do something about it. It is not going to be easy but I am willing to make a change. It is time to make a change. I want to be functioning in my conscious mind more often. I want to reprogram my subconscious mind with new beliefs that serve me better. Research shows that 95% of the time we operate from our subconscious and 5% from our conscious mind and that is if we are good at being mindful, as per Bruce Lipton, most of us are operating on 1% from our conscious mind. I can certainly see how this is possible, the amount of things we have to think of on a daily basis. Bruce Lipton said that the consequence of thinking is that we operate from our default program, the subconscious. Therefore if my subconscious is program with thoughts that are negatives, my default program is then based on fears. Bruce Lipton said that when we are in fear, our body takes all the available energy from our system and shuts down the immune system and the growth system (cells and organs are renewed daily).
So now what? How can I change my programming to one that will benefit me and support my body to heal? This is what I will be doing:
- Practice mindfulness- Become aware of my thoughts, just noticing them without judgement.
- Practice meditation – When I can connect with my inner wisdom and reach my counscious self, I can intentionally change them from negative to positive, e.g rather than fear, I will choose from a place of love. In the case of my husband and family and the people I care about, rather than forcing them to change because I am scared, accepting that they are not ready for it and just love and support them. I will try (this is going to be hard for me) to not give in to the temptation of telling the person that what he/she is doing is not good for he/her health. Instead I will devote myself to showing the way to wellness and be the best version of myself in the hope to inspire.
- Ongoing self-love and compassion – Be compassionate with myself when I am feeling anxious. Talk to my inner child and tell it that I its OK and that my adult self will help it through the emotions. Use positive affirmations to reprogram my subconscious. When I feel good in my body, I can handle challenging situations a lot easier. Bruce Lipton said that self-love will promote an enzyme call Telomeres which protects your cells from aging and increase your energy. Research shows that our positivity can be passed on to others. So self-love will not only make me feel good but will have a positive impact on the people around me.
- Practice loving unconditionally– My husband, my mum, or someone else’s choice is their choice and I have no control over it but I can control how it affects me. I can choose what I can do rather than what I can’t. I can choose to love them unconditionally and always be there for them no matter what their choice in life is, whether or not I think it’s not good or its not healthy… In the case of my husband, I can continue to offer healthy food at home. I can find ideas on how to make food that he likes in a healthy way (I have started doing this and sometimes I nail it and other times not but that’s OK). I can involve him in the meal planning… I can have a sensible conversation with him without making him feel like a I am the know it all, this will involve me using the right language etc.. (our communication can be improved tremendously). And when he made other choices, well then it is his choice, my job is to love him nothing else! And also he doesn’t have to be perfect, he just have to be willing but I can’t get this result if I am forcing it on him. So I need to learn to back off a bit, choose my battle and add in a big dose of love.
“If you can’t teach them, love them, love will teach them” Jeffrey R Holland
This is going to take some practice for me to put in place. I will need a lot of self-control which is a lot easier when I am operating from my conscious mind. I will likely to react to situations still but it is all about becoming aware of it and not judging myself but choosing to do something about it instead.
Relationship can be challenging, if you are in an abusive relationship, you do have to remove yourself. For your own well being but also for your children if you have any, as a child I felt the need to protect my mum, and for a young child it is too much to take on and of course it will affect their health and well being to be in this type of environment. If you believe things can be changed, then seek the help of a professional. It is still a great idea to remove yourself from the situation until things get better or have changed.
However if you are in a relationship with the ups and down like everyone and wants to improve it, I would say start with yourself. The thing is there is always 2 sides of the story, no matter who is guilty of what. I am not saying you should accept everything. On the contrary you need to take action but it may just be from a different perspective. When you start change within yourself you can see things more clearly and act upon whatever it is from a better place. Now I do believe that not all relationships are meant to be but if you are in one and believe it is worth working on it then it is worth giving it your best. To be able to accept others, you have to be able to accept yourself first.
How do you accept other people’s choices, especially your loved ones? Do you expect them to accept your choices? Who decides whats best for who?What are your challenges around accepting other people’s choices?
With much love and to THE BEST IN YOU
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