One thing that I have noticed about me last December is that I do not know how to receive. We went to the library to return some books. Unfortunately I was late and needed to pay a fine. I went to the lady at the desk and said to her that I needed to pay my fine. The lady had a big smile and said “we are waiving all fines this December and I can take care of your fine for you”. “What a lovely surprise” I said. “Yes, we are doing this for the whole month of December, it helps old customer to return and its good for me too” she said. “You can make a donation if you want” She added showing us a small box of donation further away. I felt good but not completely and somehow in the next few minutes it felt wrong for me to be sincerely happy (“I don’t deserve this” my mind was thinking). As I have been tuning in more and more within myself, I felt this heavy energy straight away. I asked myself why I am feeling this way, I should be really happy, not to mention that I robbed the lady the opportunity to be fully joyful if I had shown true joy and allowed her to enjoy her moment as well. I rushed through and trying to escape the moment instead.
I started to reflect on how I react every time people give me something (compliment, gift or show an act of kindness to me). It has always been this way. I never know what to say, I find something to say that will diminish the value of the act (like oh no I don’t think so if someone is giving me a compliment), I feel uncomfortable…. I continue to observe myself and this is showing up all the time. It feels wrong to accept anything kind for myself. I guess it is the belief that I am not good enough that comes up every time and I resist whatever good comes to me. I seem to be addicted to being in constant flight or fight mode, or like most of the time I freeze. I realised that I block anything good that comes to me by resisting it (the discomfort, the reply I give, not knowing what to do and quickly turn things back to the other because its too awkward…) Why do I close my heart when it is my turn to receive?
- It makes me feel vulnerable, I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I feel expose to the other person/people in the situation. It feels scary (I feel this way every time I post something too :))
- I don’t think that who I am is enough to receive. I think that I need to work for whatever I am being given and my effort never seems to be good enough (whether its a compliment about my work or something I have accomplished, an act of kindness, an act of love…) I think everyone else is smarter than me and never able to acknowledge my own effort/knowledge and skills
- I don’t like to ask for help because I am scared to be dependent on others, I make sure I can depend on myself to pull myself up all the time. Depending on others can be disappointing and hurtful
- I don’t know how to deal with positive situations. Challenging situations are more familiar to me.
I am aware that my beliefs and feelings come from the past:
- My mum was an independent single mum who worked really hard to raise my brother and I (and when she trusted someone to help like my Dad (when he showed up 15 years later) or her boyfriends, they all hurt her). Therefore trusting others meant hurtful feelings to me. Working hard became the only way I know of how to have money/abundance
- Every time I got a wrong answer at school I was hit or punished and this was done in front of the whole classroom. My mum also adopted this form of disciplining us as this was the norm then. Therefore being wrong was associated with being bad. Having the wrong answer meant that I wasn’t smart. Who I was, wasn’t good enough
- Praise was only focused on the ‘What I did’ (Outcomes) and NOT on the Effort or Skills (the process and progress). It was either right or wrong, therefore praise or punishment. Therefore making mistakes meant I was failing and that was a bad thing. Failing was associated with shame…not being loveable, not being good enough
I tend to internalise negative feelings. I just wanted to point out that I am not blaming no one here, everyone did the best they could and behaved as per their own experiences. I have never really feel like a victim, may be once again because its a vulnerable feeling and I am too full of pride but I truly don’t feel like one at all (In fact I have been thinking that I was wrong all the time, ‘they’ were right, ‘they’ knew better, so I needed to improve, no time to be a victim here, but time to work hard to be perfect). My stories are mine and I wouldn’t change them if I could because they made me who I am today. And they are helping me on my journey now. I am just trying to get to the core so I can change things.
I want to intentionally change these false beliefs. I accept that this can take time but I just discovered that my current struggles could be the start of opening up these wounds and setting myself free. I was recently feeling a war inside of me about some current challenges. I am finding myself being triggered a lot. I have been asking why?why?why? Then I sat down and wrote in my journal. I realise that all this mess inside of me is happening because I am trying to break free. The ‘breaking down’ became a breakthrough. I have been complaining/venting out my frustrations with friends. One part of me is willing to ask for help, be vulnerable, open my heart to an act of kindness and the other part is fighting it. My body language is closed, by having my hands on my face a lot while I am talking (like I want to hide away), I am constantly saying “I don’t know” before I even started to say something. I have been acknowledging only the part of me that is struggling and consistently trying to find a solution to “fix it” and I have been ignoring the part of me that is doing my best, that is willing and constantly trying. I have been judging myself. I have been facing some stressful situations at work and I have started to internalised the situation turning the negative feelings inward just like I used to do.
There has been a fight between the real me inside (my highest self) and the me who is facing a different reality in the material world. One side wants me to be happy, to be me no matter what because that me is enough and is a gift to the world but on the other side there is the logical brain, the conscious me in the world of matter that is navigating the limited ways of being in this world. This is about being in alignment with my soul purpose. This mess is needed so I can get through the other side with clarity hopefully. I need to be me and have faith in life (Life is happening for me).
I have been talking about accepting things outside of myself as they are and accepting others. But what about accepting myself, from the inside out? I have been able to believe more that I am good enough but not deeply enough yet. However, I am so close to completely let go of this false belief. In fact I am writing this with a true belief that I am good enough. I have realised a few things during my breakthrough:
- I can trust my gut and make decision for myself
- My ideas can be as good as someone else’s. I have to find my own way
- I don’t have to be like someone else. In fact I will never be like someone else however much I aspire to be him/her
- Its up to me to believe that I am good enough- no one else will believe it if I don’t believe it myself
- I cannot compare where I am at on my journey to someone else’s path
- My anxiety is a reaction to my challenges and not a feeling (More on this in the book “Emotional Detox for anxiety”)
- I need to allow myself to truly feel my emotions. Telling myself its ok, I can do this, doing things to ‘fix it’ (my coping skills) does not help in the long run as the emotions will be stuck in my body. My emotions needs to move through my body so I can let it go.
- I need to hear myself saying more kind things to myself, e.g my best is good enough. I am good enough. I am smart enough…
- I need to trust that where I am on my journey is exactly where I am suppose to be and no matter where I am on my journey, I am safe and I am good enough.
“Loving yourself is believing that you already have everything you need to navigate through life, all you have to do is to (re) discover them all ” Corinne Fabre
How do you open your heart to receive? How much self-love do you give yourself? If you are to write a love letter to yourself, what would you write? What beliefs about yourself is holding back to feel more joy, more love and to feel abundance?
With much love and TO THE BEST IN YOU
Wellness Coach in training (International Association of Wellness Professionals)
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