This is a continuity of my last post. I wanted to reflect on what this person I’ve quoted have said, “Its all in the hands of god, if it’s my time I’m going to die” as he pulled out his mask. I was also being challenged at work and went in with the aim of being more in a state of consciousness to be more effective and to best support others as I mentioned in my last post. The thing is, I went back in and I didn’t succeed. My first day back, I had an anxiety attack 5 mins after I got in the building and it went downhill after this. I had to make a decision to step back and for the following 3 weeks I have been beating myself up in thinking how much of a failure I was. Self doubts crept in and I was even thinking of deleting this blog, my FB page and just make me as small as possible. My experience added another layer to what I wanted to reflect on. I wanted to write about what I think it means to say yes to life. This has also led me to think of the difference between giving up and surrendering.
I did a lot of talking to friends and professionals to move forward. I think up to this point, I have been trying to make sense of what was happening and it is still painful and confusing right now. However I spoke to my doctor in week 3 and her words help me to shift my thinking. She told me that sometimes we need to pull away from the things that does not allow us to function optimally. I seemed unable to pull out my skills and knowledge by being in a prolonged state of stress. It scared me to suddenly be unable to think clear and function properly. I lost control and felt inadequate and shame and guilt for letting people down. My doctor also made me realise that this was my old pattern pulling me down. The thoughts about myself are my old patterns (feeling inadequate, shame and guilt…) After sitting in stillness daily for the past weeks, allowing myself to just be, allowing the fears and emotions to move through (in continuously falling and picking myself up), This is what came up:
- I wasn’t listening to my own needs, instead I was trying very hard to “fix” myself to fit in the environment to support others (even though I was using consciousness to do so). The truth is I needed to understand how things were affecting me instead of fixating on how to stop feeling the way I was (anxious). My body and mind wasn’t in alignment anymore, they were pulling apart, creating incoherence. I wasn’t in a state of BEING anymore….
- I need to accept the human part of me (I will break down again, I will fall again, I will be scared again…) and that’s OK! It is not about NOT Falling but about how I get back up!
- I get to choose how I show up for myself, by being authentic or being apologetic? I get to choose my thought. I get to choose between the ones that bring me down or the ones that help me rise.
- Life is a quest with ongoing transformation through body, mind and soul…. I need to have more trust in Life/God. Trusting life/God is surrendering to what is and it may means being vulnerable in that moment but it is not the same as giving up and feeling defeated
- I’m still confuse about what to do or what’s best for me but I choose to believe that this is happening for me as it provides me with more opportunities, more options than thinking life is happening to me which gives me very limited options and no power! This way of thinking allows me to ‘open my heart and mind’ to what’s next, just as I intended with my S.L.O.W.D.O.W.N approach to life!
The moment I shifted my attention to the part of me that is whole, that is worthy, the moment I decided to choose the thought that will help me rise, I was able to see the Universe/God working with me. The right talk from various people appeared in my mailbox (lifting my spirit, growing my understanding..), a free invitation to a course (about something I asked earlier that day in my journal) was sent to me, the right words came to me from others and my own inner wisdom (in my journal), a child said to me, “you are one of my favourite teacher in the world” (boy did this fill my heart with joy, especially as I was thinking the worse of myself), people liked my page and following me without me doing anything conventional to attract this or even being active… The more I put my attention on the possibilities of life, on me as part of the universe, the more the beautiful/powerful part of me became visible to me. Dawson Church explains this as “mind creates matter”. What you focus on expands. The digital device you are using now was once only a thought. Eckhart Tolle also explains that when you connect with your “deep I” or your inner wisdom, the things you think you “need” will be “added on” to you. When you are connected with your inner wisdom you no longer “need” these things, then you get them. The more love I give to myself, the more love I receive.
When I was reflecting on what this person said about leaving his life in the hands of God, a lot of things came to my mind. I believe, we need to take responsibility of our life but I also think its OK to surrender our pain in the hands of God. So the key here is surrender. When we surrender, it “feels peaceful and is often accompanied by a sense of relief, and giving up feels hopeless and like a defeat” says Tanya Carroll Richardson on mindbodygreen .
So here is what I think. We are the co-creator of our life. God/Life force/source/higher self (whatever the name is for you) is within us, he/she is not out there waiting for us. He is guiding us to where we want/need to be all the time. Our job is to trust and allow him to guide us. Our job is to open our heart. When we give up, we close our heart, we choose to lose our true essence and all the things that matters to us. We often live in survival mode, or auto pilot. We have thoughts such as “what’s the point, it will never… I will always… its too hard, I can’t change, I’m not worthy, life is hard etc…”
When we trust God/Life and are willing to make the journey with and not towards him/her, we claim the power inside of us to create the life we want, the life we are here to have. Saying yes means you are not only willing but believing that you have the potential to do what it takes to live your most authentic life. This happens when you are in alignment with your inner wisdom/soul purpose/values. This doesn’t mean you will not have life challenges, doubts, make mistakes, fail, breakdown, get hurt…. But this means that when things happens, you get back up and you know that you have what it takes to keep going, you recognise the light inside of you, the force within you and that you are not alone. When you say yes to life, you say yes to yourself, you say yes to the universe because we are all connected, we are one!
Saying Yes to life is saying yes to the positives and the negatives. There is no light without darkness. I believe God is loving and forgiving. This doesn’t mean we get to do whatever we want (like hurting people or ourselves) and be happy for the rest of our lives. For every action there is a consequence, the consequence is here to awakened us, to get us a little closer to who we truly are. If I choose to eat a nourishing meal, the consequence is that I have a healthier body/mind (Here I have made it one step closer to a healthier me, making it easier for me to be whole/peaceful/loving). If I choose to hold on to anger/resentment, the consequence is that I stay bitter and I am unhappy, as research says that we cannot hold on to a positive and negative emotion at the same time (Here, hopefully my bitterness and unhappiness will lead me to want to be happier and have more joy, therefore send me on a path of awakening, of discovery). Some people stay “unconscious” and that’s OK, Others are awakening now or already awakened, wherever you are at, I send you love and hope for you to take the leap and choose love, hope for you to choose the real YOU! How you show up for yourself is how you show up for others. When you are at peace with who you are, you are able to see the gift that you have and live your most authentic life while using your gift to contribute to the world. Change start with us, we have the power to change the world just by being our authentic self. This doesn’t have to be big, just by making a choice to smile more today you can make a difference! All you need is to be willing. Go on try it out and let me know how it went.
With much love and TO THE BEST IN YOU
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